What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 02:44
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
How has your life changed since starting college?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He knew the spot.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Is it possible to permanently quit pornography?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She loved him until the end.
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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But, we were locked up after school.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why did McLaren hope that the Ferrari pair would pit twice during the Italian Grand Prix?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She wouldn,t have been !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why did my ex move on so quickly?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Would you date a Muslim guy? Why/why not?
Im still living with it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When she asked me how she looked .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My life is so biszare .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were not on the streets..
We all went to grammer schools
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I said to her
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
She was in good health!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.
So whats the point in blame.
I write beautiful poetry .
Who then, do I blame.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Would this be the day?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot live in the past .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I will be 64.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
I was seconnd youngest,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
All the time i was locked up.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Where the ultimate outsiders.